A perilous path to partnership

February 16, 2012

Why legal dating sites might not be the ideal route to romance

Photo: Shutterstock

You’re single. And a lawyer. Which means you might not have all the time in the world to join Salsa classes, attend book groups, auction yourself off on eBay or do whatever it is that people do nowadays to find love.

You’ve heard that 15% of people find long-term relationships in the workplace, but don’t particularly want to risk hooking up with anyone at your firm. That’s way, way too dangerous. Remember what they say about not dipping your pen in the company ink? What if you have to ditch your squeeze, only to find out that you’re sharing a pod after the next office re-design? Or worse still, you have to put up with your ex making partner, when you don’t?

On the other hand, you know full well that familiarity breeds attraction, and would like someone who understands your work. After all, work is what you spend about 99.9% of your waking hours being bothered by. In all, it’s a massive quandary.

So you consider joining a legal dating site. After all, as legal types we’re all intelligent, mature professionals. What could possibly go wrong?

Things that can go wrong

The Epilogue registered on a couple of sites to ascertain the quality of subscribers. At the risk of embarrassing these sites or their users, nothing that follows is attributed, and we’ve removed any detail that might identify the innocent. But all of these quotations are from genuine listings.

Here are a few things to bear in mind should you wish to take the legal dating site pathway to happiness.

Prepare for legalese

Call us overly romantic, but we believe billet-doux should not contain bullet points or other forms of itemised lists. Nor should the word ‘said’ ever be used in the sense of ‘aforementioned’. As illustration, here’s a girl who, after establishing herself as ‘Eve’ and potential suitors as ‘Adam’, lays down the law in familiar fashion.

Adam should –

a) if not be emotionally intelligent then at least be emotionally aware;
b) have mental strength and agility;
c) be confident and secure about who he is as a man;
d) be able to respect himself, others and ultimately take responsibility for his own actions;
e) have goals/ambition with an appreciation of the fact that the world is his for the taking; and last but least
f) be able to laugh at himself as well as at the world – this is a must as Eve constantly does this.

As for Eve, well she gives you, Mr Reader, the opportunity to find out about her! There is absolutely no point in pontificating about her virtues, merits and qualities as it can (in some person’s mind) lead to a false impression being created… As the saying goes, the proof of the pudding is in the tasting and with that fact in mind she welcomes all interested readers to sample the said pudding.

Anyone looking for a controlling female now knows where they can stick their spoon.

Don’t expect high literary standards

Also, there’s no excuse for this:

I’m looking for someone who can have a laugh and with a bit of depth. Someone who is rambunctous, has the X factor like Kelly Rowland.

Presumably you’ll mostly be laughing at his poor grasps of grammar and spelling.

Immodesty abounds

Some of the best examples of self-aggrandisement are, mercifully, also the shortest.

I’m looking for someone who will care about me and not just about how good looking I am, sounds a little pompous but many have told me how I am. Income: £150k to £200k.

People will try to impress you by using fancy words

I’m an American lawyer in London, recent transplant from New York City, just looking to meet some copacetic new friends.

Nope, us neither.

Long-term love is not everyone’s thing

I’m looking for v pretty girl friend but v serious relationship. Relationship Status: Married.

How ‘v serious’ can one be when one has to hide in the wardrobe when the wife comes home unexpectedly?

Don’t expect a strong grasp of geography

My absolutely ideal weekend would consist of…. my man and I would be up early on the Saturday morning in order to hit the slopes skiing in Canada with lots of powder and sunshine… Then after a long hot sauna and steam, we would be off out for a nice steak, more drinks and then dancing until the early hours. After more activity in bedroom ;-) Sunday morning would then necessitate a lie-in with the duvet, papers and fresh coffee. Once sufficiently awake, a leisurely hike in the Lake District would be a perfect way to blast away the cobwebs!

Unless she’s one of these lawyers who double as international airline pilots, and can fly when pissed, we can’t quite see how she’d get you from Canada to Cumbria in such a short space of time. Not that the ‘my man’ expression wouldn’t have put you off long before you reached the end of the paragraph.

But enough of our smug carping. What do you think? What would the worst ever lawyer dating ad look like? AB

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