The Twaddle Top Ten, 2012

November 29, 2012

Rubbish corporate jargon overheard in firms this year

Illustration: ThinkStock

Like new boy bands, Beckham haircuts and BBC scandals, corporate BS just keeps on coming.

We’ve scoured the web for examples of the latest lingo to have wormed its way into firm life. So are these bleeding edge, robust and deserving of leverage? Or just painpoints that when you open the kimono are soup to nuts nonsense?

10. Tweeps n.

The followers one has on Twitter. ‘I’ll certainly put the CSR information out on the Litigation feed, but I doubt the tweeps will pay much attention.’

9. Fat Finger Trade n.

An inadvertent trade caused by carelessness, often with disastrous consequences. ‘We can’t take the bank’s GC out for Christmas drinks this year, Laura. She got laid off after that chap got all fat-fingered on the Funds desk.’

8. Sageism n.

A combination of sexism and ageism. ‘There’s a bottle of scotch for all the partners, except Elizabeth. We thought she’d be happier with a copy of Grazia and a bag of Werther’s Originals.’

7. Bright-size v.

To reduce an organisation’s workforce by disposing of the more intelligent, and usually more expensive, employees. ‘Don’t join that firm, Dennis. They’ve bright-sized so much, their future’s about as promising as Newsnight’s.’

6. Digital Dualism n.

A mindset of someone who believes that there is no relationship between the online and physical worlds. ‘Yes, Gerald, I believe I did refer to you as ‘the worst partner since Oedipus’s Mum’ on Twitter. But what happens online stays online, yeah?

5. Throw It Over The Wall v.

To pass a project on to another person or team, usually without bothering to communicate first. ‘The proposal needs to be in Glasgow in three hours time. I haven’t started writing it yet, and Pointless is on in five minutes. Best throw it over the wall to Business Development.’

4. Unsourcing v.

To do away with employees and replace them with (unpaid) online communities. ‘Dear staff, please note that from Monday we will have ‘unsourced’ our HR Department. For all future personnel management related queries, we recommend visiting this thread on WikiAnswers.’

3. Engaged Workaholic n.

Someone who works really hard because they love their job. ‘You should hire me because I’m an engaged workaholic. But best put me in a room of my own, as I prefer to take toilet breaks at my desk, so as not to sacrifice billable hours.’

2. Omnishambles n.

A completely shambolic situation, first coined by the BBC series The Thick of It. ‘No, Crispin, it’s not an omnishambles. The fact I called their senior partner an imbecile whilst relieving myself against his Porsche is entirely irrelevant to our merger negotiations.’

1. Inbox v.

To email someone. ‘Thanks for the meeting, guys. If you can inbox me your suggestions for redundancies, I’ll get the bright-sizing underway as soon I’ve checked the legality of it on WikiAnswers.’ AB

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