Our quiz asks: do you have what it takes to become a badass litigator?
‘Litigation. Litigation. Litigation, that’s what you need. If you want to be the best, if you want to beat the rest.’ As Roy Castle almost said in the theme tune to Record Breakers, litigators are often seen as the crème de la crème of the industry. But do you have what it takes to join this legal elite?
1. You’re driving on the motorway when suddenly the traffic slows to a halt. You’re in danger of being late for a client meeting. Do you:
a) Sit quietly and wait. It’ll probably free up soon, and it’s nice to have a bit of a break.
b) Gently tap your horn in the hope that it will encourage whoever’s causing the block to get a move on.
c) Swing your jeep into the hard shoulder and power past all the losers whilst blaring gangsta rap through your in-car B&O system.
2. What’s your idea of a perfect holiday?
a) A week in Cornwall. You know a lovely cottage that’s not too pricey, and you enjoy paddling in the sea.
b) A City Break in Europe. Somewhere you can sample a different culture, and maybe tuck into some of the local fare.
c) A month’s deployment in Helmand, hunting down terrorists and defusing IEDs.
3. How good are you at multi-tasking?
a) You’re getting better at surfing emails whilst locked into a conference call.
b) You’ll often lunch at your desk whilst polishing a draft document and listening to a Radio 4 download on your iPhone.
c) Yesterday you gave a presentation to thirty clients whilst texting P45s to a bunch of slack-ass associates and unobtrusively engaging in Skype-sex with a Swedish trainee.
4. Your four-year old daughter asks you to play the classic ‘steady hand’ board game, Operation. Do you:
a) Let her win, because it’s a joy to see her smile.
b) Play properly, because you want to teach her good gamesmanship.
c) Suggest you play for money, and cheat by popping a Xanax before you start.
5. How often do you lose your temper?
a) Rarely. Life’s too short, and you enjoy your life.
b) Sometimes, but only when faced by corruption or injustice.
c) What kind of cretinous question is that? What the effing eff has temper got do with anything? Any more of that sh*t and I’ll break your legs and use your a*se to park my mountain bike.
How did you answer?
You are about as far removed from being a litigator as it’s possible to be. Find something that better suits your placid nature, like public sector real estate or knitting.
Given a following wind and a testicle transplant, you might make it as a litigator. Perhaps you should build the necessary skills by shouting at tramps until your larynx feels like a crusty mole.
Congratulations! If you’re not one already, you could easily be a successful litigator. Celebrate by going to a wine bar in 1986, drinking excessive amounts of Dom Perignon and lighting your cigars with orphans’ letters to Santa Claus. AB