Star Laws

June 20, 2013

Which celebrities would make the best lawyers, and why?

Photo: Shutterstock

According to a recent poll, 30% of lawyers want to leave the profession. (All right, so the poll was conducted in Australia, but bear with us.) This could mean a massive problem for UK law firms in terms of a depleted human resource. Where on earth can these firms look to replenish their ranks?

Fortunately, help isn’t far away. The little-known ‘Hello’ Institute has finally admitted that there are too many celebrities in the country today, with all the lists from ‘A’ through ‘Z’ now officially full. What better solution than to transfer some of these slebs to legal roles?

Freshfields has already shown the way by recruiting Olympic gold medalist Sophie Hosking. To keep the momentum going, here are our suggestions of what other stars could do, legal job-wise.

Daniel Craig. ‘The name’s Smith, Herbert Smith,’ could be the new catchphrase of this tiny-eyed actor. What with HSF moving into a variety of exotic new markets – Seoul, here we come! – the firm could do with some Bond-style international savoir faire. Herbie bosses better beware a lateral move to Mishcon de Reya, however. As advisers to Speedos, Mishcons will definitely want to see the Craigster strutting around Red Lion Square in his budgie smugglers.

Harry Styles. Tousle-haired starlet-botherer Styles will be in big demand by any firm looking to defer trainee intakes. What better incentive for trainees to hold their careers back a year than the promise of eventually working alongside Holmes Chapel’s favourite cheeky songster? Styles could Skype each of the deferees at home, telling them that their patience is ‘what makes them beautiful’ and that ‘one way or another’ the firm will actually hire them one day soon, honest.

Roy Walker. Ex-Catchphrase presenter Walker would be a shoo-in to fill any of the Compliance Officer roles still missing in 11% of firms. ‘It’s good,’ he could say as he casts his eye over a deal, ‘but it’s not right.’ Walker could also make all-nighters more bearable by sharing gags and passing around bags of ‘Fish and Mr Chips’ he’d picked up at the local takeaway.

JLS. Literally everyone in the western world shed a tear when the fab four announced the demise of the best X Factor band since The Conway Sisters. But they’ve made the end much more palatable by announcing a national tour and a greatest hits LP release. This expertise in winding down operations could come in handy to a great many firms. How much easier would it have been if, for instance, Deweys had closed with an appearance at a Butlin’s Big Weekend, or Cobbetts had released its classic real estate deals on iTunes.

Mary Portas. Finally, what greater asset for any firm than business guru Portas? Besides dispensing commercial advice to clients at will, Portas could also help her firm develop its process mapping, paying particular attention to merchandising and staff presentation. With Portas on board, your firm might develop some revenue generative window displays, for example, and finally get your senior partner into a suit that doesn’t make his arse look like an anaconda swallowing a piglet. AB

 

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