Get real, says The Survivalist – lawyers can be truly rubbish dates

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The electronic interweb – President Obama’s attempt to mind-control everyone to lay down their guns and be terminated by Federal Death-Panels – is alive with a new sensation, courtesy of dating website eHarmony. [Note to self: must stop watching Fox News.]

As reported in the last issue of the epilogue, the site lists 15 reasons to date a lawyer, ranging from the arguable, if you happen to be at the criminal Bar – (4) “Lawyers are financially secure” – to the debatable – (3) “Most lawyers are fantastic dressers (Yes, more than one suit in his/her closet)” – to the somewhat speculative – (13) “Lawyers are eloquent, articulate and very insightful when it comes to reading another person’s character” (!!)

The worst offender is (15) “If you ever need your partner’s services, he/she will work especially hard for you”. As any right-minded individual knows you should NEVER mix professional and relationship matters, it’s asking for trouble. Or relationship break-up, which you might end up wanting sooner rather than later if you swallow all these reasons.

Having dated a number of lawyers in his time, and with many friends who are lawyers, the Survivalist thought he should take it on himself to write a few rather more truthful “Top ten tips for those who are thinking of dating lawyers”.

  1. You’ll be throwing a lot of dinners away – lawyers work LONG hours.
  2. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that you will have to cancel a holiday the day before departure due to some d*ckhead partner making your partner start work when someone else could perfectly well step in and do the job instead.
  3. You will buy tickets for theatre, gigs and events but end up going on your own – see Item 1. Advice: set up a neat ‘emergency friends’ list of readily-available mates who can step into the breach at short notice.
  4. Lawyers are good at words, not much good at numbers. Sometimes they will think they need to pretend to be better at handling money than they actually are. Watch for this, and forgive them for it if they do, as they mean well.
  5. Staying late – very late – at the office does open up the possibility that either you, or your partner, or both of you, may decide to stray at some point. Happily the Survivalist thinks that monogamy is a tropical hardwood, so no harm done, but if you like your trysts all tidy and exclusive, well, what can I tell you?
  6. Your new partner’s job is, to people outside the profession, very tedious, and you are likely to be sucked into dire conversations at parties about conveyancing or employment rights – which is fine if your partner is a conveyancer or an employment lawyer but entirely hopeless if not. Advice: avoid the kind of tedious parties where people are pathologically focused on what you do for a living, as opposed to what makes you interesting, which is, er, much more interesting.
  7. If you do get invited to interesting parties and are worried that people might think your new partner is boring, also invite a mate who is an actuary.
  8. If your new partner is a barrister, do NOT get into any arguments with them. Trust me. Just don’t.
  9. A lawyer is always right. Whether this be about Commercial Mortgage-Backed Securities, or which soapdish looks best in the shower. Again, trust me. You’ll have a much quieter life. Oh, and for good measure see Item 7 again.
  10. Some lawyers are fantastic dressers. Some look like a bag of old laundry. Please pick the right one, especially if you want to be invited to the Right Parties.

As ever, the Survivalist would love to hear from you with any disagreements, suggestions or amends to the Top Ten. Until then, you know the drill.

Stay frosty. TS

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