At last, the quiz we legal telly addicts have been waiting for
We’ve all of us got some TV lawyer in us. But which are you like most? Don’t forget to cut and paste your result onto your LinkedIn profile. This stuff can be recruitment gold.
1) Your client wants to pay for his new £1 million pound property in cash, funnelled through your firm’s client account. What is your reaction?
a) Not a problem, old chap. He’s probably aristocracy – they all are round here.
b) What’s the dilemma? The client is acting on your advice and you’re earning a nice little kick back.
c) Money laundering risk? But he’s a hot, rich bachelor! Sod it: sleep with him.
d) Accept the cash filled briefcase, inadvertently leave it on the train then offer your client a Pop Tart to cheer him up.
e) Report him to your firm’s anti money laundering officer.
2) How do you relax after a long day at the office?
a) Local pub, real ale, spot of cricket with the locals.
b) Strip club, champagne, massage.
c) Piano bar, cocktails, karaoke with colleagues.
d) Working men’s club, lager, football.
e) Home, cup of tea and a DVD.
3) It’s 6pm and your boss has just asked you to draft a share purchase agreement to be on his desk by morning. What do you do?
a) Laugh (nothing’s that urgent) and head home, hilariously driving your car into a ditch en route.
b) Refuse outright – until more money is offered.
c) Accept it, start crying, then sleep with him.
d) Google “share purchase agreement”, panic and jump out of the nearest window.
e) Get on with it.
4) You’re working on a trial and things are going badly. How are you going to persuade the court that your client is innocent?
a) Have a quiet word with the judge. He is an old chum from Cambridge, after all.
b) You’ve handpicked the jury so it should all work out, but slip the judge a stack of cash for good measure.
c) Distract the judge from your weak argument with a little dance. If that fails, cry and then sleep with him.
d) Which one is the jury – is he the one in the wig?
e) Convince the court with your erudite closing argument.
5) What does your office look like?
a) Overstuffed armchair, piles of paper, Labrador in the corner.
b) Triple locked door, cast iron safe and a heavy outside.
c) Open plan, paperless, beautiful people, lots of glass.
d) Depends on the day. Sometimes you use MacDonald’s, sometimes you use your car, sometimes the nearest phone booth.
e) Erm, just a regular office?
6) How do you drum up new business?
a) No need, kept busy enough with old ladies’ wills, the sale of agricultural land and criminal cases involving stolen cows.
b) TV ads, billboards and radio jingles. The brasher, the better.
c) Plenty of flirtation at schmoozy events.
d) Offers, gifts and bribes: free shoe shine with every new instruction.
e) Diligent attendance at networking events; repeat custom.
7) You client is being sued because of an error in a contract you drafted. What do you do?
a) Get flustered, apologise profusely and get your secretary to sort it out.
b) Pay the other party off and grovel to your client before things turn nasty.
c) This is doubly awkward because you slept with him. Give yourself a pep talk in the mirror then get your boss to sort it out after a chat in the loos.
d) Only one error? Result! Celebrate with a Twinkie.
e) Have a few sleepless nights but ultimately let the insurers deal with it.
How did you fare?
You are Peter Kingdom (Stephen Fry’s character in Kingdom). You lead a pleasingly gentle life, mainly dealing with eccentric locals and disputes over agricultural matters. You work on a typewriter and go home for your lunch. If you don’t live in rural Norfolk, you probably work at a well-heeled Establishment firm – think Farrers.
You are Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad. Some people use their legal skills to make the world a fairer place: you on the other hand realised you could make more money working for the bad guys. Thoroughly corrupt but with a brilliant mind for problem solving, you don’t mind bending the rules once in a while – as long as you’re rewarded with cold, hard cash.
You are Ally McBeal. You may not have a great legal mind but you make up for a lack of technical skill through a combination of charm and seduction. Highly strung, your life revolves around work and you mainly socialise with colleagues. If you start seeing dancing babies, seek help.
You are Lionel Hutz from The Simpsons. Utterly inept, you only ever win cases through good luck or accident and you only attract clients because your fees undercut everyone else. You have no idea what you’re doing most of the time, but luckily your clients know even less than you.
You are one of us. Quite simply, you are not interesting enough to be a TV lawyer. No glamour here – just the grim reality of time sheets, billing drives and late nights. LM