Action stations

March 13, 2015

What does your favourite radio channel say about your lawyering style?

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The Buggles reckoned video killed it off back in the late 1970s, but they were wrong. Today, radio listening, both digital and analogue, is still hugely popular: according to industry fact-fiends RAJAR, 47.9 million adults in the UK tuned in during Q4 2014, an increase of nearly a quarter of a million on Q3.

But that’s not important. The real question on everyone’s mind is, what does the station you listen to say about the kind of lawyer you are?

We asked a panel of experts, who decided they were too busy watching House of Cards on Netflix, so we made up the answers. And here they are.

RADIO FOUR

If you listen to Radio 4 you are very serious. You care about the world and consider your role within it: you bemoan the fact that law exists within a bubble and too often overlooks its wider social and political obligations. You are a partner, or some other form of eminence gris, even if you are under 30. You are respected for your conversation, your wisdom and your ability to see both sides of an argument, but no-one would shag you if their lives depended on it.

RADIO TWO

Everyone likes you. You have few rough edges. You rarely lose your temper, even when the client changes her mind at the last moment. You float through the firm on a cloud of goodwill, bonhomie and sugar-free-vanilla infused lattes. You’ll probably make partner at some stage, but only because you don’t offend people and would happily serve the canapés at partnership conferences.

RADIO FIVE LIVE/TALK SPORT

How’s that litigation career going, then? Pretty well, we’d guess. After all, argument is your bag. You argue with colleagues, with your spouse, with your ex-spouse (which you definitely have) and cab drivers. And when there’s no-one to argue with, you stick on the radio, and listen to the likes of Nicky Campbell and Alan Brazil tearing a strip of some poor phoner-inner who’s suggested the Arsenal back four could do with a taller full-back. Oh, and colleagues avoid you because you talk too much and rarely see the good side in anything.

CLASSIC FM

Blimey. Are you still here? We thought you’d been managed out years ago. Where’ve you been? Oh yes, sitting in that corner of the Employment office, listening to podcasts of Simon Bates playing excerpts from The Four Seasons and Captain Beaky. Come on, let’s be having you. Here’s a cardboard box for your things, and Vlad will be here in five minutes to escort you to the front door. We’ll even give you your cab fare back to Tonbridge Wells, for old time’s sake.

KISS

Wow! How down with the kids are you? You really are a happening kinda lawyer, who knows your Bruno Mars from your Mark Ronson and your Kanye from your Jay-Z. Which means you’re either about 25, or you really should know better. Start listening to another station, because no one’s taking you seriously.

SMOOTH RADIO

Sometimes you’re so laid back that you actually slide off your chair and end up in a puddle under your desk. Your best clients have deserted you, because your sense of urgency is entirely absent and you insist on humming Lighthouse Family songs at meetings. That said, you’re pretty good at business development, because no one finds you offensive and you have that valuable ability to convince people that whatever happens, it’s all going to be all right because there’s nothing that a nice cup of tea and a Nolans tune can’t save.

MAGIC FM

Yes, we know. The legal career went belly-up a few years ago, and now you make a living driving a mini-cab. Sometimes you pick up some lawyers after a glitzy awards ceremony, and they hee-haw and take the mickey out of you for being a lowly chauffeur. This makes you cry. But hey, there’s always Ed Sheeran to put the smile back on your face. AB

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