Our agony uncle discusses psychopathy and being caught at it in alleyways
Q. My office colleague says he’ll shoot himself if he’s not a partner by the time he’s 35. Worryingly, I think he’s serious. Should I notify HR of the danger, even if doing so might mean he’s far less likely to achieve his dream?
A. There is a fair amount of research around pretty much proving either that many of those who succeed in business are psychopaths, or that psychopaths often do pretty well in business, or both. Unfortunately, most people don’t take any notice of either strand of research, which might have something to do with the fact that many of the researchers have been hacked to death with semi-sharp second-hand butchery equipment bought from popular online auction sites. Your man sounds like one or other of the above. Your main worry should therefore be one of two things, and neither involves him turning his papa’s pheasant-gun on himself. Either he is going to shoot you, or he is going to become partner, neither of which is great for you. So, having observed his faulty behaviour, now is the time to utterly sabotage his career and do us all a favour. Manoeuvring him into sexually-abusing the post boy or some random kid on work experience is probably a little elaborate and risky, so find some way to undermine his work instead, a surefire way to get him canned asap.
Q. I saw one of our Business Development girls having sex with some random bloke in the alleyway behind our local pub. She’s good at what she does. (BD, I mean. Not sure about the sex.) Might it be possible to blackmail her, and ensure I get my unfair share of leads and BD support time?
A. Look carefully. The shiny thing I’m holding up in front of you is a mirror, and the pallid, drawn and shifty-looking pudding of a face looking back at you is you. Without wishing to be unduly judgemental, you are a vile excuse for a human being. The reason for your obviously inadequate billings is not your ability to access the appropriate amount of BD support time or leads. It is because your soul is corrupt, and clients, potential clients and colleagues can smell it a mile away. Happily, you have a shred of humanity left which is why you are asking Uncle Nathan to save you. The only concern you should have is if this poor girl is likely to bring the firm into disrepute via her actions, and who knows, this ‘random bloke’ could be a new client; she could simply have been cementing a deal. Regardless. Using this fragment of knowledge as a power-chip is unacceptable coming from any human being; coming from a lawyer, and in the position of an employer, you’re doubling-down on nasty. Man up, grow up and stick the arrow back on your moral compass before it’s too late.